


Standing in the Way of the Light

by hannahindie



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, Mark of Cain, So much angst, Supernatural - Freeform, han writes the thing, moc!dean, spn fanfic, supernatural fanfiction - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 13:56:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16955340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannahindie/pseuds/hannahindie
Summary: Dean is struggling with the Mark of Cain and the reader wants to help...until she realizes it might just be too late.





	Standing in the Way of the Light

**Author's Note:**

> This was written based off the song Standing in the Way of the Light by Birdie.

**Reader**

I knew the moment I met Dean Winchester that my life would be changed forever. I knew then that it was going to be hard and messy and full of heartbreak. I just never imagined it turning out like this.

Those emerald eyes sucked me in from day one, no matter how hard I tried to ignore them, no matter how many times I tried to run. Dean was always there, despite how angry I was and how I much tried to push him away. He waited calmly and patiently like he had nothing better to do than to help pick up the broken pieces of myself. It makes sense, looking back now, why he was capable of doing that; he was just as broken as me. 

Dean saved me. There are simply no other words to describe it, but if you were to ask him he would say that I saved myself. The truth of the matter was, I was lost. It was like I was alone in the middle of the ocean and there was nothing to hold on to. I’d lost my family, I’d lost the love of my life, and all I knew to do was drown everything I felt in alcohol and revenge until it had become numb. I was reckless, and not only a danger to myself, but to those I incorrectly assumed I was trying to help. I wasn’t trying to help anyone, it was just a convenient byproduct of a blind vendetta to right the wrongs done to me. It was selfish and wrong, and despite knowing this fact, I kept going. I kept going until the Winchesters found me in the middle of a vampire nest, barely alive and begging to be put out of my misery.

Dean had been the one to pluck me out of that hellhole, ignoring my pleas and my weak fists hitting him in anger when I realized they were going to make sure I stayed alive. I didn’t speak to him for weeks after that, bouncing around the bunker in an attempt to avoid both brothers but especially Dean as he tried over and over to get me to settle in. I don’t remember exactly what it was that got me to finally speak to him, but once I did let him in he made sure to never take his foot out of that door. I think he saw some of himself in me, although I can’t say I was or will ever be as brave and selfless as him.

As I stand here now, looking at him **through the driving rain, I have lost the words to piece us back together**. I don’t know how **to tell him how it hurts** because I know that what he’s done, the decisions he’s made, they’ve been made to save the world, to save us. I’ve been selfish, because I know what these decisions will mean, but **does it have to be this hard?** The Dean I know, the Dean that I fell in love with…is gone.

Even through the rain I can see the reason why **we’ve been breaking everything we’ve built so far** ; the hungry glow of the mark, though dim, is still bright enough to draw my attention to his forearm. My eyes slide down from the mark and stop on what’s become an extension of Dean’s arm. Water droplets roll down the sharp teeth and drip from the tip, tinged pink from the blood that’s recently painted the First Blade. I can’t see the source of the blood, just a dark shape against the ground, but I can see the remorse on Dean’s face. It’s the first time in months that I’ve seen anything other than anger on his handsome features. He looks tired.

When this whole thing started, when Dean made the decision to take on this burden and began to change, I was convinced t **here was still a way to make this right**. I was convinced that **we would find the strength this time** , and that failure was not an option. All I wanted him to understand and to see was that it was him that was **standing in the way of the light, and if he would just let down his guard, we could stop the fighting that had torn us apart.**

Again…I was being selfish. And instead of explaining to him that it wasn’t his fault and that I could help him **pull back this veil and turn night into day again** , I lost my patience. I got angry. I blamed him and his need to save everyone but himself. I told him I was **tired of sitting and waiting** for him to come home. He was too busy saving the entire world while the small one that we’d built together wasted away.

And then I left. Sam didn’t try to stop me, although his silence spoke volumes. Leaving Dean then would take away the one thing, other than Sam, that he had left. His already short list of reasons to keep trying shortened further…and I ran. If it came to fight or flight, I always chose flight. For awhile I would have said being with Dean changed that, but old habits die hard, and when I saw the Mark begin to take over the gentle soul that I had placed all of my hope and trust in, I realized I’d rather leave him behind than see what he was going to become.

Then Sam called. I knew in my heart that he wouldn’t have asked me to come back unless it was bad, which is how I ended up here.

Dean falls to his knees, the water dark as it splashes up around him, and everything feels like it’s in slow motion. The remorse has changed into something more… sorrow maybe? In this moment, he looks younger despite the sadness he’s obviously feeling. The sharpness that was there earlier is softer when he reaches out with what looks like hesitation and gently lays his hand on the form in front of him. **My heart speeds up again** as I realize that the Mark may not have as strong of a hold as I had thought. I smile as I make my way to him.

It’s my turn to save Dean Winchester.

* * *

**Dean**

The rain feels cold, and honestly…it’s the first time I’ve felt anything other than anger for a long time. I wish it was the only thing I felt, but it’s nothing compared to the burning in my arm, or the deep ache I feel in my chest as I look down at the figure lying at my feet. It happened so fast I didn’t have a chance to evaluate anything. I’d like to think that if I’d had ten more seconds to realize where I was that things would be different, but as I look at the Mark, glowing dim as it basks in my most recent kill, I’m not sure I would have been able to stop myself anyway.

I look down at the First Blade, the jagged teeth covered in her blood, and the realization of what I’ve just done starts to sink in. Everything feels like it’s in slow motion and magnified; the bloody water from the blade as it drops to the ground, the droplets exploding into smaller orbs, the dark crimson meeting the water as it puddles at my feet, swirling together much easier than I would have imagined. I would have thought it would be more like oil and water, but I guess they don’t think to teach you the science of how well blood mixes with water in school.

Without realizing, I fall to my knees and the blade drops from my hand. The rain and blood have darkened her long hair, and I reach out to gently lay my hand on her shoulder. It’s still warm, even in the cold rain, and it reminds me of a time when she would tuck herself into my side, her arm draped around my waist and her head on my chest.

My fingers slip through her wet hair, catching in tangles, and the hole in my chest gets bigger. She can’t be gone, nothing as perfect as she is can just disappear like that. No one with as much spirit as she has would give up that easily. She should have never been here to begin with. She had left me, and for good reason. She had been safer that way.

 **There’s still a way to make it right**. I silently plead for Cas to come, to save her, because it’s a mistake. **We’ll find the strength this time** , just bring her back to me and I will do everything I can to keep her safe. I pull her into my arms, she’s so much smaller than I remember, and hold her against my chest. **Come on, come on, come on… We’ve been living in the shadows too long** , it wasn’t supposed to end like this. My silent pleas change into violent screams to Cas to do something, to **pull back the veil and turn this night back into day,** to end this nightmare and bring her back to me.

But Cas doesn’t come. No one does. I’m alone, on my knees in the cold rain as it puddles around me, holding Y/N’s body as close to my chest as I can in the hopes that maybe my warmth will seep into her. Maybe the beat of my heart will jump start hers. Her eyes stay closed, and her skin is finally taking on the chill of the rain. It’s too late. 

* * *

**Reader**

As I get closer to Dean, I watch as he weaves his fingers through the hair of the person laying on the ground, as if he’s trying to comb through it. Why would he do that? I call out to him, but he doesn’t answer and instead grabs the person and pulls them to his chest. I don’t understand what’s happening.

He’s crying now, the rain mixing with his tears, and I want to reach out and wipe them away. I’m standing right in front of him, and it’s still like he doesn’t see me. I say his name again, but he doesn’t answer. Instead, he turns his face up into the driving rain and screams for Cas. I have never heard Dean’s voice filled with this much anguish before. I look down at the small body he’s clutching so tightly, but the face is hidden against his chest.

My hand reaches out to touch him, but I’m stopped by a voice.

“He won’t feel that.” I turn to see a beautiful woman with black, shoulder length hair standing behind me, her arms hanging loosely at her sides.

“Why not? Who are you?”

“My name is Tessa.”

I look around, but can’t see where she would have come from without me noticing. “Where did you come from?”

She smiles gently and gestures vaguely, “I go where I’m needed. At this particular moment, I’m needed here…so here I am.”

I narrow my eyes, “You are being intentionally vague. And you still haven’t answered my question, why wouldn’t he be able to feel me?”

Tessa’s gaze shifts from me to where Dean is practically curled around the body he is holding. “For the same reason that he cannot hear us having this conversation right now. And I think you know why that is.”

I look back to Dean, his shoulders shaking, and I shake my head. “No, because I’m standing here. I’m standing right here, I found him, and I’m going to save him so…” I trail off, because it’s occurred to me that I don’t exactly remember how I got here. Sure, I remember driving when I found out the last place he was seen, I remember seeing the Impala and realizing that for once in our lives, luck might actually be on our side. But I don’t remember getting…here. I can feel panic begin to spread, and I look back at Tessa, “Why can’t he hear me?”

Tessa walks closer to me and gently takes my hand, then gestures back to Dean, “Really look, Y/N.” I look back down although everything in my body is screaming not to. Those are my boots. Those are my favorite jeans with the hole in the back pocket. That’s my y/h/c hair, although it’s more red than y/h/c from the blood that has seeped into it.

“No, that can’t…he would never do that. He loves me…he would never…”

Tessa squeezes my hand and offers a sad smile, “Under normal circumstances, he would die before he would let anything happen to you, you are right. But the Mark has changed him, and his judgement…he didn’t realize it was you. His mind played tricks on him, Y/N.”

“I can’t be…Cas can fix this, right? He can save me…”

Tessa shook her head, “Not this time…that’s why I’m here. Normally, I would allow us to **go around in circles** to give you time to process…but you’re a part of this life, and you understand. You have to let him go, or you will become the very thing you hunt. The Winchesters, especially Dean, would not want that. I’m here to reap you, Y/N.”

I look back at Dean and my heart breaks. All I want to do is touch his face, make sure he knows that I forgive him. Tessa squeezes my hand again, and I sigh. “He can’t feel or hear me?”

Tessa shook her head, “No, I’m afraid not. It takes practice to be able to break through…I’m sorry, Y/N.” I pull my hand from Tessa’s, unable to leave until I at least try. I kneel down next to Dean, and it feels so strange to be so close to him without him reacting. I close my eyes and concentrate as hard as I can.

“Dean, I love you, and I forgive you. It isn’t your fault.” I stand and step back towards Tessa. Dean has lifted his head and is looking around as if he’s heard something, but drops it back down as he pulls my body closer to his again.

Tessa takes my hand and gives me one last smile, “Ready?” I nod, and everything turns white.

* * *

**Dean**

For a brief moment, it feels like someone is with me. I’m looking into Y/N’s face, and if I didn’t know any better, I would have guessed she was just sleeping. She looks so peaceful, and I keep expecting her to open her eyes.

Then I feel…a presence, maybe? I can’t bare to drag my eyes away from Y/N until I hear it…a soft voice that sounds so familiar.

“Dean…” I look up and see nothing, no one is there, but then I hear it again. “… _love you….I forgive_ …” It’s in and out like a bad radio station, but I recognize the voice. It’s Y/N, and it feels like my heart is being squeezed in a vice. I look back down at her, and it’s taking everything in me not to break down completely.

Even in death, even after the person she should have been able to trust completely has taken her life, she’s forgiving. I don’t deserve her forgiveness, I don’t deserve the kind of person that would be capable of that. I can’t help but wonder if this wasn’t meant to be some sort of  cruel lesson that Y/N had to pay for with her life.

I gently cup her cheek and her skin is smooth against my rough hand and cold to the touch. I listen closely in hopes that maybe she is still there, although in my heart I know it’s better if she’s already gone. I look towards the First Blade, the bone gleaming in the faint moonlight, and I can feel its pull. I’m tempted to pick it up and use it on myself…at this point, there’s really no reason not to. I’m just so tired.

I hear someone call my name, and I look up to see Sammy running towards me. Without realizing it, I’ve picked the blade back up and I’m suddenly aware of the tip pressing against my stomach. Sam calls my name again, screams it, and I look back down at Y/N. I’m so damn tired. It would be so easy to end it right now, to just let go. I know deep down that’s not what she’d want for me, and I know that I can’t leave Sam…but hell…what good am I to him now? I’m just another mess he has to clean up.

 **I have lost the words** , and I’m **tired of sitting and waiting alone in the dark**. **I don’t think there’s still a way to make this right…and I’m not sure that I can find the strength this time.** Y/N had always been the one to **pull back the veil and turn my darkest nights into day**. My hand loses its grip on the blade, and for the first time I notice that I’m sobbing. I’m so damn tired. I look up to see Sam practically sliding towards me on the slick ground, and everything goes black.


End file.
